Dear Internet – I H8 U (Warning: NSF Anywhere)

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We’ve come a long way as a species in a short time. Many things that were once impossible, laughable even, are now commonplace. As per usual, we take damn near all of them for granted. One of those things, as you probably already suspected this rant is about, is the internet.

A vast array of information, resources and ways to communicate strung together by fiber optics, satellites and dark magic. Access to anything at any time and people across the globe available to consult with at our fingertips.

What do we use it for? Aside from pornography, that is..

We transmit to the rest of the world, on an individual level, how stupid and annoying we are. I use the term ‘we’ loosely, of course, because as you know, I being the writer of the current diatribe, am clearly not stupid or annoying. And I’m the one making the judgement call here, so that’s pretty much settled.

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Where do I even begin? And for the love of Grumpy Cat, where do I end?? There’s so much stupid out there, it’s insane. For the purpose of writing a blog entry and not a catalog of entries, I will narrow it down to my three most recent annoyances. Believe me, there are more. I may touch on them at a later date.

Disclaimer – if you do any of the below things and I offend you, I don’t care. You’ve offended me and the small slew of slightly intelligent people that frequent this web of information that is now seemingly made of drool and fake tans. Go to hell.

Offense #1 – The Duckface

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If you know me at all, you knew this was coming so I made it first to get it out of the way.

I want to start with saying the first thing that comes to mind.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Who started this? Who carried it on? Who said it was okay and made it into a god damn theme that every fake tanned bitch has to do?

YOU DID INTERNET! THAT’S WHO!

Why? What’s the point? I don’t understand. Is it an attempt at fake humility in your e-vanity? “I’m so sexy and the interwebz give me lots of attention but I need them to know that deep down I’m just a humble girl with issues of self-confidence in desperate need of the mass approval of strangers. How do I convey this to my followers? HOW??”Image

OH! I KNOW! This will be clever! They’ll know! I’m pretty but not absorbed in vanity! They will see my sense of humor, my radiant personality and they will relate to me. EVERYONE LOVES THE DUCKFACE!! NOW THEY WILL LOVE ME TOO!!

If my sarcasm isn’t clear enough let me just say I don’t think the actual thought process follows this path. That would imply, even with the clarity behind the vanity and aim for self-worth pointed at a mass of invisible nobodies clicking the Like buttons, a hint of intellectual thought. More likely the train of thought travels a set of tracks constructed more like this…

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DERP DERP!! ME KAN DOO IT 2! DERP!!

Offense #2 – The Dirty Selfie

We’ve all seen them. Don’t deny it. Self-shots are everywhere now and of particular dominance seems to be the naked selfie. Even if you’re not looking for them, the rules of bored browsing mean that once you click the thumbs up icon on a good looking girl on StumbleUpon, you’re one click away at any moment from the Naked Selfie.

Now I need to make this clear. When I say dirty, I don’t mean dirty in the Southern rap way.Image

(I don’t even know who this guy is. For all intents, he could be an accountant from Colorado.)

 

No, when I say dirty I mean…

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Ironic that you’ve decided a maid outfit is fitting when there’s  A SHIT PILE OF CLOTHES IN THE CORNER! This would be the equivalent of me dressing up like Jesus then punching you in the dick while I ate your sandwich.

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No wonder this girl is topless. She has no time to clean this nightmare of a pigsty she sleeps in, where would she possibly find a moment to put on a shirt? Where would she even find one? Just a subtle suggestion, but instead of posing for the internet in a photograph that will now exist FOREVER, you could, I don’t know…TAKE OUT YOUR FUCKING GARBAGE!! THERE ARE PADS IN THERE! I CAN SEE THEM!!!

Not only have you broadcast to the sea of lonely fappers that you are a whore, but you’re a disgusting one that wallows in filth. It disturbs me even more that no one seems to care. How many guys have fondled their potatoes without it occurring to them that if they were in that room right then, they would probably pass out due to it smelling like a gym sock stuck in Jonah Hill’s armpit.

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Wow that’s a big file…anyways…

We have a winner! Apparently, this girl doesn’t even have time to put on any clothes because she’s lives in a dilapidated, neglected shit hole. The closest thing this room has seen to a vacuum is when she is likely stuffing the local high school football team. On cam.

Since that file took up half the space of my rant, I better move on. So last but not least…

Offense #3 – That Awkward Moment When…

Listen to me, lemmings. Prefacing your Status Update with these four words does not entitle you to readership, likes, comments or even an acknowledgement. It, like most Internet Offenses, simply cries out “Look At Me! What I say and do is important and should be recognized thusly!”

You know what the worst part is? Most of the time, it’s not awkward. And saying “that awkward moment when…” is a statement hinting that your awkward moment is a common one that the general public would have had a similar experience with, thereby noting that it’s not just any awkward moment, it’s THAT awkward moment, that they all know and have experienced. Since this is almost NEVER the case, you have successfully appeared as a buffoon in THREE WAYS AT ONCE. That is the real awkward moment and since so many of you do it, you can rejoice in the fact you now have a common denominator.

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN WE ALL SAY THAT AWKWARD MOMENT ABOUT A MOMENT THAT’S NOT AWKWARD OR RECOGNIZABLE.

How about this? From now on I start giving out awkward moments. They’re going to be awkward alright. For whoever reads them.

That Awkward Moment When you use a wad of toilet paper, then check it and it’s missing a chunk, but when you check your bum IT’S NOT THERE EITHER!

That Awkward Moment When you’re masturbating furiously and YOUR ROOMMATE OPENS HIS EYES!

That Awkward Moment When you took a picture of yourself in the mirror and your clothes were on and your room or bathroom counter didn’t look like the contents of an entire Goodwill store exploded out of your asshole two seconds prior.

In closing, I know I have my faults as well. But I don’t hate me. I hate you. And I’m not sorry. So learn the difference between unique and common shared experiences, clean your shit up if you’re going to traffic your tits to the online community, and realize that no one has masturbated to the thought of Daffy Duck in a tanning bed. Nobody thinks of ducks and sex in the same context, certainly not on the Internet.

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Fuck you Google.

 

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Dear Internet – I H8 U (Warning: NSF Anywhere)

  1. Your post is funny. It nearly caused me to spill my very important Starbucks latte on my very expensive Apple keyboard. Wait, those are both very expensive. Wait, that’s a pointless tangent. Wait, I think I might be what’s wrong with the internet. Wait, no fucking way. You will not find any duckface photos on my Facebook (please give me sufficient time to scour my Facebook and delete any before you try to verify that).

    • Hey there’s nothing wrong with Apple or Starbucks. I’m a strong supporter of both fine products. The real problem with the Internet is the same problem with anything. People.

  2. Pingback: Starting a photography company | what NOT to do | Concrete Oyster

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