We’ve come a long way as a species in a short time. Many things that were once impossible, laughable even, are now commonplace. As per usual, we take damn near all of them for granted. One of those things, as you probably already suspected this rant is about, is the internet.
A vast array of information, resources and ways to communicate strung together by fiber optics, satellites and dark magic. Access to anything at any time and people across the globe available to consult with at our fingertips.
What do we use it for? Aside from pornography, that is..
We transmit to the rest of the world, on an individual level, how stupid and annoying we are. I use the term ‘we’ loosely, of course, because as you know, I being the writer of the current diatribe, am clearly not stupid or annoying. And I’m the one making the judgement call here, so that’s pretty much settled.
Where do I even begin? And for the love of Grumpy Cat, where do I end?? There’s so much stupid out there, it’s insane. For the purpose of writing a blog entry and not a catalog of entries, I will narrow it down to my three most recent annoyances. Believe me, there are more. I may touch on them at a later date.
Disclaimer – if you do any of the below things and I offend you, I don’t care. You’ve offended me and the small slew of slightly intelligent people that frequent this web of information that is now seemingly made of drool and fake tans. Go to hell.
Offense #1 – The Duckface
If you know me at all, you knew this was coming so I made it first to get it out of the way.
I want to start with saying the first thing that comes to mind.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Who started this? Who carried it on? Who said it was okay and made it into a god damn theme that every fake tanned bitch has to do?
YOU DID INTERNET! THAT’S WHO!
Why? What’s the point? I don’t understand. Is it an attempt at fake humility in your e-vanity? “I’m so sexy and the interwebz give me lots of attention but I need them to know that deep down I’m just a humble girl with issues of self-confidence in desperate need of the mass approval of strangers. How do I convey this to my followers? HOW??”
OH! I KNOW! This will be clever! They’ll know! I’m pretty but not absorbed in vanity! They will see my sense of humor, my radiant personality and they will relate to me. EVERYONE LOVES THE DUCKFACE!! NOW THEY WILL LOVE ME TOO!!
If my sarcasm isn’t clear enough let me just say I don’t think the actual thought process follows this path. That would imply, even with the clarity behind the vanity and aim for self-worth pointed at a mass of invisible nobodies clicking the Like buttons, a hint of intellectual thought. More likely the train of thought travels a set of tracks constructed more like this…
DERP DERP!! ME KAN DOO IT 2! DERP!!
EDIT: THERE WAS AN OFFENSE HERE PREVIOUSLY THAT I HAVE SINCE REMOVED FOR REASONS I DON’T HAVE TO DISCLOSE TO YOU. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. ANYWAY THERE USED TO BE 3 NOW THERE IS ONLY 2. DEAL WITH IT.
Offense #2 – That Awkward Moment When…
Listen to me, lemmings. Prefacing your Status Update with these four words does not entitle you to readership, likes, comments or even an acknowledgement. It, like most Internet Offenses, simply cries out “Look At Me! What I say and do is important and should be recognized thusly!”
You know what the worst part is? Most of the time, it’s not awkward. And saying “that awkward moment when…” is a statement hinting that your awkward moment is a common one that the general public would have had a similar experience with, thereby noting that it’s not just any awkward moment, it’s THAT awkward moment, that they all know and have experienced. Since this is almost NEVER the case, you have successfully appeared as a buffoon in THREE WAYS AT ONCE. That is the real awkward moment and since so many of you do it, you can rejoice in the fact you now have a common denominator.
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN WE ALL SAY THAT AWKWARD MOMENT ABOUT A MOMENT THAT’S NOT AWKWARD OR RECOGNIZABLE.
How about this? From now on I start giving out awkward moments. They’re going to be awkward alright. For whoever reads them.
That Awkward Moment When you use a wad of toilet paper, then check it and it’s missing a chunk, but when you check your bum IT’S NOT THERE EITHER!
That Awkward Moment When you’re masturbating furiously and YOUR ROOMMATE OPENS HIS EYES!
In closing, I know I have my faults as well. But I don’t hate me. I hate you. And I’m not sorry. So learn the difference between unique and common shared experiences, and realize that no one has masturbated to the thought of Daffy Duck in a tanning bed. Nobody thinks of ducks and sex in the same context, certainly not on the Internet.
Fuck you Google.